The Grief of Who We Might Have Been

Wounding.

It's something we all have as humans.

We are all walking around carrying things that happened to us. Experiences that changed us on the inside and therefore changed our lives on the outside.

As I work with clients on healing old wounds, I often hear some version of:

"I always wonder who I would be if that hadn't happened."

Or:

"What would my life have been like if my parents had been different?"

"If I hadn't made that decision?"

It's such an understandable question.

Because somewhere inside of us is a vision of a different life.

A life where maybe things were easier.

A life where we suffered less.

A life where we didn't struggle with anxiety, depression, money, relationships, health issues, grief, or whatever it is we have been carrying.

And there is grief in that.

So much grief.

Grief for the person we imagine we could have been.

The career path we might have taken.

The people we might have loved.

The children we may have had.

The places we might have lived.

The chances we didn't take.

The version of ourselves we think existed somewhere just beyond reach.

Grief rushes in anytime the vision of our life changes.

And unexpected changes tend to hit the hardest.

Of course anger can show up too along with resentment, frustration, and anxiety.

All normal parts of grief. None of those feelings are wrong.

Because when we allow them to be there, curiosity can begin to emerge.

And curiosity opens the door to a different question.

Not:

"Why did this happen?"

Or:

"Who would I have been if it hadn't?"

But:

"What has this experience asked me to learn?"

My teacher, Katie Silcox, often says that the wound is the way.

I have always loved that phrase and hated it at the same time.

Because when you are in the middle of intense anxiety, depression, financial stress, heartbreak, illness, or unimaginable loss, it feels ridiculous.

You don't want the wound to be the way. You want the wound to go away.

You want relief and peace.

You want your life back.

You want things to be easier.

And honestly? That makes perfect sense.

No one wants their life to be hard.

But over and over again I watch people discover something unexpected.

The wound becomes the doorway.

I see clients who finally address lifelong depression because of a car accident.

Financial therapy clients who finally heal the pain of never feeling seen, good enough, or like they belonged.

People who experience devastating losses and become far more loving toward themselves than they ever were before.

People pleasers who can no longer tolerate abandoning themselves and finally start saying no.

People who finally ask for what they need.

None of this means the wound was a gift.

And it certainly doesn't mean I would wish it on anyone.

But I have noticed that wounds have a way of bringing us into contact with parts of ourselves that have been waiting for our attention.

Yet it is still so easy to wonder...what could have been had life been different.

One of my favorite books explores this idea beautifully. The main character gets to see all the different lives she might have lived if she had made different choices.

But here's the thing.

Every single life contained pain and wounds.

Every single life contained things she would have had to grieve.

Humans don't get to avoid woundedness.

Some people certainly have it harder than others.

And some wounds are unimaginably painful.

But none of us get through this life untouched.

So if you find yourself wondering who you would have been if things had gone differently, let yourself grieve that.

That grief is real.

Honor it.

Feel it.

But remember this too:

You have absolutely no idea what would have happened on the other path.

Maybe it would have been easier but maybe it wouldn't have.

Maybe it would have contained a completely different set of wounds.

We simply don't know.

What we do know is that this is the path you're on.

This life.

This version.

This soul experiencing exactly what it is experiencing right now.

Whether that's curiosity, anger, exhaustion, grief, hope, or all of those things at once.

Feel them.

And remember that what feels like the wound may also be the doorway.

Not because suffering is good.

But because sometimes the very thing we wish had never happened becomes the path that leads us back to ourselves.