Financial Fawning: The Money Pattern Nobody Talks About

“Omg. I Am Such a Fucking Fawner!!”

Those were my exact thoughts as I read The Trauma of Money.

I always assumed fight and flight were my go-to nervous system states. I can hustle with the best of them. I can also avoid things when I feel afraid.

But as I read about fawning, I was shocked.

Apparently, a whole lot of my relationship with money has been built around making sure other people are comfortable.

And honestly?

Not just money. My life.

Fawning is one of the ways your nervous system responds when it perceives a threat.

Most people have heard of fight, flight, and freeze.

Fight is exactly what it sounds like. You push harder. With money, this often looks like hustling, overworking, obsessing about how to make more money, and trying to force your way into feeling financially secure.

Flight happens when your nervous system doesn't think it can win the fight. With money, it often looks like avoidance. You don't look at your bank account. You avoid your debt. You jump from one solution to another but never stay with anything long enough for it to work.

Freeze is the shutdown response. You feel stuck. You can't think clearly. You can't make decisions. You know you need to do something, but you feel paralyzed.

Then there's fawning.

Fawning is a little different.

It's the nervous system strategy of trying to stay safe by making other people happy.

You smooth things over.

You avoid conflict.

You put other people's needs ahead of your own.

You struggle to say no.

You worry about disappointing people.

You become hyper-attuned to how everyone else feels while losing touch with how you feel.

People-pleasing and codependency become default settings.

And while you're busy taking care of everyone else, you're abandoning yourself.

To me, that's the heart of fawning.

Fawning is self-abandonment in service of belonging.

You learn, often very early in life, that keeping other people happy feels safer than expressing your own needs.

And while that strategy may have helped you survive, it creates all sorts of problems when it comes to money.

What Financial Fawning Looks Like

Most people think money struggles come from poor budgeting, overspending, or not knowing enough about money.

Sometimes that's true.

But sometimes the real problem is that you're fawning.

Financial fawning can look like:

• Undercharging for your work

• Discounting before anyone even asks

• Feeling guilty raising your rates

• Avoiding conversations about money

• Lending money you can't afford to lose

• Covering the bill because asking someone else to contribute feels uncomfortable

• Overworking because you don't want to disappoint anyone

• Saying yes when you desperately want to say no

• Feeling responsible for other people's financial well-being

• Prioritizing everyone else's needs while neglecting your own

Many women have been socialized to do exactly these things.

We are often praised for being accommodating, generous, selfless, and helpful.

Unfortunately, those same qualities can quietly sabotage our financial well-being.

The Life Insurance Policy I Never Wanted

Years ago, while I was in the depths of grief, I was sold a life insurance policy.

Looking back, the whole thing felt wildly inappropriate.

But I couldn't say no.

So I invested thousands and thousands of dollars into a policy that wasn't a good fit for me.

Eventually, the policy got transferred to another agent. Some guy I had never met and had no relationship with whatsoever.

And yet every time I thought about cancelling it, I felt guilty.

Guilty.

For disappointing a man I didn't even know.

Meanwhile, this policy was costing me hundreds of dollars per month and there were far better options available to me.

I remember finally asking myself:

"Why do I care so much about letting this guy down?"

The answer had absolutely nothing to do with him.

It had everything to do with me.

Financial Fawning and Overworking

This one hits especially close to home.

If you're self-employed, financial fawning often looks like seeing too many clients, answering emails at all hours, squeezing people into your schedule, and having weak boundaries around your time.

You don't want to disappoint people.

You don't want to tell someone no.

You don't want someone to think you're selfish.

So you overextend yourself.

You become exhausted.

You resent your schedule.

And you still don't feel financially secure.

If you're employed, it can look like working late, taking on extra responsibilities, being available all the time, and never asking for the raise you deserve.

Again, the underlying fear is often the same:

What if someone is upset with me?

What if I disappoint them?

What if they don’t like me???

Overspending Can Be Fawning Too

This one surprised me.

We often think of overspending as impulsivity or poor self-control.

Sometimes it is.

But sometimes overspending is a form of people-pleasing.

You cover the bill.

You buy gifts you can't afford.

You lend money you don't have.

You say yes because saying no feels uncomfortable.

You spend money trying to maintain relationships or avoid disappointing people.

In her book All the Way to the River, Liz Gilbert talks about a period where she was giving away enormous amounts of money.

She describes it as generosity. But she also admits that when she looked deeper, part of it came from wanting to be liked.

Ouch.

I think many of us can relate to that.

The Underearning Problem

Financial fawning is one of the biggest drivers of under-earning.

Especially for women, therapists, coaches, healers, and helping professionals.

You feel uncomfortable talking about fees.

You hesitate to raise your rates.

You worry about collecting overdue payments or charging for a missed session.

You immediately offer a discount.

You make exceptions.

You prioritize someone else's discomfort over your own financial well-being.

And then you end up working harder and harder for less and less money.

Financial fawning causes us to overwork and under-earn at the same time.

That's a painful combination.

Why Women Struggle With This

If you're recognizing yourself in this article, please know that you didn't create this pattern out of thin air.

Many women were socialized to be agreeable, accommodating, put other people first, avoid conflict, and take care of everyone else.

We are taught to be grateful for what we get and to not ask for too much.

Fawning isn't a character flaw.

It's a survival strategy.

One rooted in the fear of losing connection, approval, love, or belonging.

At its core, fawning is often driven by two beliefs:

I am responsible for how other people feel.

I cannot disappoint others.

That's a heavy burden to carry.

Healing Financial Fawning

Once you start seeing financial fawning, it's hard to unsee.

You notice the moments when you're about to say yes when you mean no.

The times you lower your rate before anyone asks.

The extra client you squeeze into your schedule.

The bill you cover because you don't want things to feel awkward.

The financial decision you make to keep someone else comfortable.

Fawning isn't something you simply decide to stop doing.

It's a nervous system strategy.

Which means healing it requires compassion, not criticism.

It asks you to practices things many fawners find terrifying:

Disappointing people and anger.

It asks you to learn that belonging doesn't require self-abandonment.

It asks you to trust that healthy relationships can survive a boundary.

And it asks you to remember that your needs matter, too.