Are You an Underearner?
A few weeks ago, I wrote about financial fawning.
If you read that post and immediately thought,
"Oh my God. I'm a fucking fawner too!"
There's a good chance you're also an underearner.
Barbara Stanny (now Barbara Huson) defines an underearner as someone who earns less than they're capable of earning, despite wanting to earn more.
One thing I think is important to understand is this:
Underearning isn't about how much money you make.
It's about earning less than you're capable of earning.
Which means it can be true whether you're making minimum wage or making bank.
Someone making $300,000 who could comfortably be making $600,000 because they chronically undercharge...
...is still underearning.
Someone who gives away enormous amounts of unpaid labor...
...is underearning.
Someone who never negotiates their salary or contract...
...is underearning.
Someone who is terrified to raise their rates or enforce a no-show policy...
...is underearning.
I've been thinking a lot about why.
Because I don't believe anyone wakes up one morning and decides they'd like to earn less than they're capable of.
The Stage Is Set Early
I think the stage for underearning is often set long before we ever earn our first paycheck.
It begins as a way of relating to ourselves and the people around us that develops when we're very young.
Then life reinforces it.
Family.
School.
Religion.
Culture.
Workplaces.
Every experience that confirms what you already believe about yourself, your potential, your safety, or how much space you're allowed to take up deepens the groove.
Then we reinforce it too.
With our thoughts.
Our beliefs.
Our choices.
In yoga, we'd call that groove a samskara.
What fascinates me is that these messages rarely feel like beliefs.
They just feel...true.
"You Don't Become a Therapist to Get Rich."
When I was in graduate school, one of my professors said something I've never forgotten.
"You don't become a therapist to get rich."
I remember immediately thinking,
Why not?
Actually, if I'm honest, I remember thinking,
"I'm going to prove you wrong."
Looking back, I realize that comment wasn't really about therapists.
It’s the underlying rhetoric in the helping field.
That if you really care...
You shouldn't care about money.
That struggling somehow makes you more ethical.
More compassionate.
Somehow you are a better helper if you are a martyr.
There's even a name for it: Noble poverty.
I've yet to meet a woman who was excited to undercharge.
But I've met a lot of women who feel guilty charging more.
Most of the women I work with already know they should raise their rates.
Negotiate the contract.
Stop answering emails on Saturday night.
Quit giving so much of themselves away for free.
So they do what I've done.
They hire coaches.
They read the books.
They work on their mindset.
They implement new strategies.
They try—again—to finally stick to a budget.
And don't get me wrong.
Those things matter.
I've done all of them.
But sometimes information isn't enough.
Especially when that information never addresses what happened to you...or the meaning you made of those experiences.
Because if charging more feels selfish...
If saying no fills you with guilt...
If receiving feels more uncomfortable than giving...
If success somehow feels unsafe...
Then of course earning more is going to feel hard.
Why wouldn't it?
Your nervous system is trying to protect you.
One of the ways I've seen this show up in my own life, and my clients’ lives, is through what Gay Hendricks calls The Upper Limit Problem.
It's almost like we each have an internal income thermostat.
If we dip below it, we somehow find our way back.
But when we begin moving beyond it...
We procrastinate.
We second-guess ourselves.
We overdeliver until we're exhausted.
We get sick.
We stop following through.
We somehow find our way back to what's familiar.
I've even started wondering whether chronic credit card debt sometimes serves the same purpose.
If we're always climbing out of a hole...
We never have to discover what happens if we actually move beyond our ceiling.
I don't know if that's true….but I can't stop wondering about it.
One Final Thought
The more I do this work, the less I think underearning is actually about money.
I think money is just where we notice the pattern.
Recently I was working with a client who was negotiating a new contract.
At one point I asked her,
"What do you want your life to look like while you're doing this job?"
Not...
"How much do you want to make?"
But...
What kind of mom do you want to be?
What kind of partner?
What kind of leader?
What kind of friend?
Because those things are part of the compensation too.
That conversation reminded me that this work isn't really about making more money.
It's about creating a life that feels more like your own.
Yes, money matters.
It gives us choices.
Freedom.
Rest.
Fun!!
But the goal isn't simply to maximize income.
It's to create a life that's aligned with your values, your needs, and what matters most to you.
PS-If this resonated with you and you're ready to stop trying to out-think these patterns, I've created two new ways to work together.
If you're looking for clarity and want to understand the money patterns that keep repeating, my 90-minute Money Reset is a great place to start.
If you're ready to actually begin changing those patterns, my new 6-Week Intensive gives us the time and space to do that work together.
You can learn more HERE.
If this essay resonated, I'd love to keep the conversation going.
I write about women, money, mental health, spirituality, and the places where the pragmatic meets the mystical.
Whenever something feels worth exploring, I'll send it your way.
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